Some advice...

Dear M Jaye,

My boyfriend is an idiot, although I think I am as well, since I believe I have been snowed by him for approximately seven years. He won't take me to meet his mother because he believes some guy named Darwin says he is higher on the evolutionary scale than I am. Should I dump him or take a frying pan to his head?

-Not a monkey

Dear Monkey,

See, a long time ago there was this scientist who liked turtles and crap and he was paid an exorbitant amount of money through some bet with Genghis khan to convince everyone that man was made from monkey turds or something. So he went the Glapaganos islands which were so crappy no one else ever went there and smoked a lot of ganja and wrote this book called Origin of the Species which is dedicated to his muse – Theodore “Tiny” Roosevelt. Check it, I’m sure its on Wikipedia.

Given that the information spewed by your troglodyte boyfriend comes from such an untrustworthy source, I vote the frying pan. Then sleep with someone more evolved than him, write a tome about it and get on the Times best sellers list.

- M.